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CRACK!Fic: A Tale of Two Turks (Baccano!/FFVII; Tseng and Luck)
So. I haven't written anything in ages, I have an exam tomorrow, my brains are falling out of my ears, and 0TP on IJ starts up a new week worth of prompts. So I look at the list, and in my caffeine high, it strikes me that no one ever said I couldn't write Epic Poetry (TM) for 0TP, right?
Right. If you're expecting my usual. Um. Well. I apologise sincerely to fans of both Final Fantas VII and Baccano! alike. I tried to think of a good one. This is all my brain gave me. D8
Title: A Tale of Two Turks
Fandom: Baccano!/Final Fantasy VII
Characters: Luck and Tseng
Rating: PG13
Warnings: The prompt was: Tseng and Luck as the main characters in a fairy tale. Crack, anachronisms and rhyming couplets. Think old school Will Smith rap while you read. Yes. Yes.
Summary: Tseng and Luck in a quest for Shinra and the Greater Good.
666 (-111) words and god I am going to hell. I have no excuse, except that maybe I have an exam in 9 hours ahksafjlsf.
[edit] Now with more accurate rhyming metre!
Two little piggies went off to the market,
One was smart, and the other was a bastard.
The former was a man who was made, named Luck,
The second was Tseng and he'll fuck your shit up.
So - once upon a time, not too long ago,
There was a big Family that ran the show:
Its name was Shinra and it was bad,
It had the coolest Ops team ever to be had -
They sweep up the castle and all that lurks,
They're cruel, they duel: they're called the Turks.
And so we have a knight in black velvet armour
All the maidens loved his honour and his ardour;
He had a mark on his head and long, long hair
Wherever Tseng was, EvilTM was not there.
Then on a bright and blue and cheery morning,
He woke to find his Prince all sad and mourning
"Sir," said Tseng, as he bended his knee,
"What kind of vicious villainy plaguest thee?"
As Prince Rufus looked up with anger in his eyes,
He said to his Turk: "We have caught some spies."
And he pointed to the corner of the great big room
Where a traitor was sitting awaiting his doom.
"Spies in our court?" said Tseng in surprise
(For he was quite adept at weeding out lies)
"Rise," he commanded the craven at hand,
"Let me see the greatest spy in all the land."
He came to his feet, looked Tseng in the eye;
And Tseng knew it'd be a waste for him to die.
"You," he pronounced, "I will set you to work,
From this day hence you shall be a Turk."
What follows in this tale is a count of their measure;
We trace Tseng and Luck on their every adventure:
Two Turks on a quest to preserve order and the law,
Two Turks who don't mind breaking a bone or four.
The first of their trials was upon them quickly:
They heard of a young girl going forth quite meekly
Into a murky forest of a great and evil fox's domain
If they didn't stop her then, she'd be in great pain.
"Let's go," Tseng said, as he gave Luck a blade,
"Today we shall see of what stuff you are made."
They rode on their steeds to the tugley wood
And met the girl with the red riding hood.
"You," called Tseng, drawing up alongside,
"What are you doing here on this eventide?"
But Luck said nothing as he watched her reply
Noting that her answers were in fact quite sly.
"Nothing," she told them, "I'm here on chore
Delivering food to Mama who can travel no more."
Luck ignored her, he said, "Give me your basket,
We'll see what's in it or it'll be your casket."
And lo' what was within was not bread and cheese
But grenades, a shotgun and some old D.Es.
"God," muttered Tseng as he pulled out a gun,
ignoring his bow as Luck said, "This'll be fun."
And so they rode abroad settling every score,
Of everyone who'd ever wronged Shinra before:
A witch with poisoned apples of ancient lore,
And a duckling who grew into a gorgeous whore.
Alas: theirs is a job of sex, drugs and gore,
But in the end they lived happily forever more. 
Right. If you're expecting my usual. Um. Well. I apologise sincerely to fans of both Final Fantas VII and Baccano! alike. I tried to think of a good one. This is all my brain gave me. D8
Title: A Tale of Two Turks
Fandom: Baccano!/Final Fantasy VII
Characters: Luck and Tseng
Rating: PG13
Warnings: The prompt was: Tseng and Luck as the main characters in a fairy tale. Crack, anachronisms and rhyming couplets. Think old school Will Smith rap while you read. Yes. Yes.
Summary: Tseng and Luck in a quest for Shinra and the Greater Good.
666 (-111) words and god I am going to hell. I have no excuse, except that maybe I have an exam in 9 hours ahksafjlsf.
[edit] Now with more accurate rhyming metre!
One was smart, and the other was a bastard.
The former was a man who was made, named Luck,
The second was Tseng and he'll fuck your shit up.
So - once upon a time, not too long ago,
There was a big Family that ran the show:
Its name was Shinra and it was bad,
It had the coolest Ops team ever to be had -
They sweep up the castle and all that lurks,
They're cruel, they duel: they're called the Turks.
And so we have a knight in black velvet armour
All the maidens loved his honour and his ardour;
He had a mark on his head and long, long hair
Wherever Tseng was, EvilTM was not there.
Then on a bright and blue and cheery morning,
He woke to find his Prince all sad and mourning
"Sir," said Tseng, as he bended his knee,
"What kind of vicious villainy plaguest thee?"
As Prince Rufus looked up with anger in his eyes,
He said to his Turk: "We have caught some spies."
And he pointed to the corner of the great big room
Where a traitor was sitting awaiting his doom.
"Spies in our court?" said Tseng in surprise
(For he was quite adept at weeding out lies)
"Rise," he commanded the craven at hand,
"Let me see the greatest spy in all the land."
He came to his feet, looked Tseng in the eye;
And Tseng knew it'd be a waste for him to die.
"You," he pronounced, "I will set you to work,
From this day hence you shall be a Turk."
What follows in this tale is a count of their measure;
We trace Tseng and Luck on their every adventure:
Two Turks on a quest to preserve order and the law,
Two Turks who don't mind breaking a bone or four.
The first of their trials was upon them quickly:
They heard of a young girl going forth quite meekly
Into a murky forest of a great and evil fox's domain
If they didn't stop her then, she'd be in great pain.
"Let's go," Tseng said, as he gave Luck a blade,
"Today we shall see of what stuff you are made."
They rode on their steeds to the tugley wood
And met the girl with the red riding hood.
"You," called Tseng, drawing up alongside,
"What are you doing here on this eventide?"
But Luck said nothing as he watched her reply
Noting that her answers were in fact quite sly.
"Nothing," she told them, "I'm here on chore
Delivering food to Mama who can travel no more."
Luck ignored her, he said, "Give me your basket,
We'll see what's in it or it'll be your casket."
And lo' what was within was not bread and cheese
But grenades, a shotgun and some old D.Es.
"God," muttered Tseng as he pulled out a gun,
ignoring his bow as Luck said, "This'll be fun."
And so they rode abroad settling every score,
Of everyone who'd ever wronged Shinra before:
A witch with poisoned apples of ancient lore,
And a duckling who grew into a gorgeous whore.
Alas: theirs is a job of sex, drugs and gore,
But in the end they lived happily forever more.