karanguni: (Bebop SMOKING)
Right now, I’ve got a problem with group frustration.

I’m punching above my paygrade at work – and it’s frustrating. As a personal ethic, I believe you should punch however hard you can punch. Not people; people-cases you should modulate (do I need to bulldoze this person? Do they need to know all this information? Am I patronising them? Am I over-valuing them?). But work is work. Do the best job you can.

But at a certain point a few weeks ago I just hit a plateau where I just don't give as much of a shit anymore. Not no shits: I value being valued. I value doing my work. I'm actually valued by my peers and my superiors. I've gained some quantity of respect from them.

Still, the adage of never work for free? Holds. I am, obviously, not working for free. But they won't promote me this year because of corporate restructuring, and they couldn't raise me last year because of corporate bullshit. So now I'm a first-and-a-half year hire prancing roughshod over company-wide policy, shooting from the hip because every time I ask would any senior like to point this gun? the answer is eh, do what you judge best because we don't care enough to not trust you.

That's perhaps an oversimplification. But here's the difference between a leader I'll follow into the trenches (a Rufus Shinra, maybe, or a Kusanagi Motoko) and a leader I'll watch trip into a ditch: the former makes you feel part of an optimistic system.

I don't think an optimistic system necessarily needs to be a happy system. Maybe progressive is a better word? Or a vision? Whatever the word. I want a charismatic and technical leader. I need a charismatic and technical leader. Sell me your world and I'll build it for you, because I'm a good foreman but gods above am I a bad architect.

And right now it feels like I'm architecting my own path. Just bushwhacking through a system of incompetency on the right and vision that fell through on the left. Ambitious and vaguely rubbish. I'm thinking for my leaders, in some ways, and I don't want to do that. I want to want to be part of a system, and that's hard when I feel like I'm constructing bits of it out of bullshit I pull out of my ass.

Point is, there's group frustration. My seniors want shit done, but don't have the capacity or creativity to see it through. I want to get shit done for my seniors, but don't have the entirety of technical experience or, let's face it, clout to push their agenda through for them. They're frustrated at the system. I'm frustrated with their frustration at the system. We all hold hands during coffee breaks and understand the hard work we're doing, but I feel like an idiot monkey bashing nearly-Hamlet out on a typewriter.

I came home today fucked up and tired, and I thought to myself - let's play a game. I logged onto Overwatch, which is the dumbest idea I've had since... I'm not sure. I can't think of something I've done that's so dumb. Because after 9-5 of group frustration, I jumped right into the most group-frustration-y game possible. Six strangers shooting shit and failing. Nearly succeeding, too, which is worse. It'd have been better, maybe, if I'd just died 20 times in a row and done nothing. But I was mediocre. 60% okay. And each time at the end I'd zone out, or fuck up, or our team would fall to pieces, and it sucks.

I don't know where I'm going with this one. I think the gist is, I/you/people have to have a sense of balance. Frustration has to be balanced: either with success, or compensation, or satisfaction. And satisfaction in a job well done, when the job is – if not pointless as a learning exercise – fruitless as an executive one? Is nothing.

/sighs This is a ramble. Pied pipers don't exactly fall from the sky. Maybe I just need to learn how to play the fucking flute.

In other news, I've given up on this city in a lot of ways. I think instead of meeting people, I need to get the fuck out of here in a year or two: and in the meantime? Just... self-improve. Learn some Latin, pick up an instrument, get fit at the gym, relearn my cursive, read a bunch of good books, just hone hone hone until I can take comfort in time well spent, even if there's missing good company.
karanguni: (Default)
all I've got now is "god production issues are exhausting"

hope y'all having a better week
karanguni: (VINO in red)
Now that work has ended, life is getting pretty peachy -- I've written one thing, drafted a whole bunch of others, am pretty sure that I'll be meeting my fic/draft-a-day personal helldeadline and the sun has come out for the first time in weeks to roast my holidaying skin!

At the back of my head is the silent, screaming terror that says I'm going back to school in less than a fortnight. I'm ignoring it in favour of my spiffy new room and state of new-found doing-things-dom. 8D 8D

Happily, I've managed to read more than one book this break, which puts the list at:

Jean RhysWide Sargasso Sea
Gustav FlaubertMadame Bovary
Kawabata YusunariPalm of the Hand Stories
Milan KunderaThe Unbearable Lightness of Being
Philip PullmanThe Good Man Jesus and the Scoundrel Christ
William GoldingLord of the Flies

Which is really not bad, all things considered! I feel like I've under-read (things still on the list: Steinbeck's East of Eden (wailvoice); Murakami's The Wind-up Bird Chronicle (MEGAWAIL); all of my philosophy reading?!), but at the same time it's the most fiction-for-leisure I've read in a long number of years. ♥ ♥ *burbles hearts*

Wide Sargasso Sea I'd always been meaning to read; one of those things where the title was attractive in and of itself. Didn't know how out of the loop I'd be for not having read Jane Eyre, but uh, shame on me! The opening line = /o/ \o\.

Philip Pullman was interesting for how much it echoes, reverses, builds up on existing translations of the Bible. Proof that some lines just stick?

Golding was the hardest to read of the lot. Not because it's The Lord of the Flies, but because his lyricism would throw me off like a suddenly spooked horse.

In other news, getting more design-y by the day; looking forward to some coding and drafting in the near 72 hours!

p.s: apologies for the <abbr> overkill. 8D
karanguni: (BALTHIER beckons)
1. K has started work
2. Work is kicking K's ass
3. (Passive voice) K's ass is getting kicked by work.

In other words: in spite of my humongously huge writing to-do list of humungous, the fates have made it such that I am mostly too braindead by the end of the day to finish a fic in a single sitting, which is how most of the insanity is usually produced.

I do, however, want to get all that stuff done! And tasty ideas, they do exist! So I am writing them in piecemeal and in parts, and everything is getting put on the beta filter. If you don't mind watching fic come together in drabbly bits, or just want something to read more often than once in never once in while, COMMENT and I will add you!

Alsowik: if you can see the Trekfic post beneath this one, you're already on the filter.

'Course, if you want to be removed at any time, just let me know!

karanguni: (Default)
Things I needed to do today:

[] Consolidate notes for work
[x] Timeline work for the week
[x] Draft up designs
[] Get some sleep

Things I did instead:

- Set up [community profile] shifgrethor here
- Redesigned and overhauled a new layout for the community
- Ate a lot of cereal

karanguni: (holy ROBIN batman)
Hi guys, anyone who's writing for 0TP but has sorta-kinda-moved from IJ, I've created a mirror of it on [community profile] no_true_pair; feel free to crosspost merrily and to pimp it out here on DW!


I also super-fast-coded a CSS DW layout that doesn't require the usual bangs and whistles of a paid account; 0TP is the live preview, and the code is below. Warning: very hastily coded! 8D

Use Transmogrified as your theme, set Use layout's stylesheet(s) as UNCHECKED, and stick that into your custom CSS.
karanguni: (Default)
I am well now, travelling around and trying not to kill my in-law!

Obligatory DW note: yes I am there, no I am not moving, LJ is still my homeland, entries will be crossposted over, I am myself: karanguni.

HELP WORK IS EATING ME ALIVE and I only have three hours on this internet card, FLAIL.

[edit] to-do list for when I get home is a MILE LONG, guys, a MILE LONG. How did I ever survive without the internet????
karanguni: (BALTHIER works)
Back from my first real day of work; 7 hours of meetings and many awkward moments with my mainly Chinese-speaking fellow people (read: man-people, since 5/6 of them are male), but they're all nice. Except for the meetings. Dear lord, it doesn't matter how big the company is, bureaucracy is always evil, and no one ever grows up enough to not quarrel over petty details. D: You are all project managers, dudes, what's wrong with you? Allergies to efficiency? DDDDDDDD:

To relieve my brain and celebrate going on vacation for four days (hee hee, I get away with going on vacation the day after I start work?), I join the memesheep flock: request a drabble from any one of my fandoms, the more situational and hilarious the better. :D I will try and get it all out in between flailing madly at having to leave the country tomorrow evening with so much work still needing to be done.

Things to do tomorrow:

[] Testimonial for that teacher
[x] Email that PR person
[x] Pack a bag so that you do not go forward unclothed

Things to do when I get home:

[] Subscribe to mobile broadband; this is no longer an option, this is a necessity
[] Layouts
[] Update Roads Diverged + new layout for it
[] DREAMWIDTH I have this irrational fear that, since I will be away on the 30th of May, someone will SWOOP IN AND TAKE MY USERNAME, which is insane, and probably more a reaction to having to sleep in the same room as my parents for the May Day Holiday than anything else.

Oh, but I come here a-spamming tonight: I'm thinking of taking up an MMO - never played one before in my life - and am going to try (the very free, from downloads to playing) Granado Espada, which looks wicked cool. Anyone want to join up with?


Apr. 26th, 2009 04:34 pm
karanguni: (RAHM chibi)
\o\ things for today:

  • Got a new microphone set = no more skype fail!
  • Boss did not say "start from blank" re: draft 3! Boss also showing human side!
  • Parents possibly taking us out for dinner!

/o\ things for today:

  • Almost died buying new mic!
  • Boss still wants edits! \o More rhetorically-driven education coming up at 9pm tonight!
  • Sleeping at 7am and waking at 12pm = not good!

"Augh DO THIS NOW" things for today:

  • [x] CSS fixes for friend
  • [x] Pauper AU
  • [x] Left Hand fic
  • [] Potentially traumatising tentacle fic for the sake of Motivation and Crack Relief
  • [x] Methos (Dude, dude, Peter Wingfield is born on my birthday (um, day, not year) and shares my strange watch wearing habits! This makes me ridiculously excited! For happy, mindless, fangirly reasons! SPRINGTIME OF MY YOUTH.)


  • [] Layout draft to [livejournal.com profile] sister_coyote
  • [] Layout draft to [livejournal.com profile] mjules

Time to chug the caffeine.

Though maybe only after some sleep.
karanguni: (uh HAWKEYE)
Instructions for a Goode and Produktive lyfe:

2. Stretch, tumble out of bed, change.
3. Go to breakfast with your Getters.
4. Enduphavingonehourconversationaboutstockmarkets,commoditiesandderivatives with your Getter (M).
5. Roll back into the house.
6. Work.


[x] Script #1 (THIS Sunday, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa)
[x] Attainment of Cash (Monday)
[] Script #2 (Thursday)
[] LJ layout (Wednesday)
[x] Formal website layout (Sunday)


Off to read philosophy for a bit. \o\
karanguni: (holy ROBIN batman)
[livejournal.com profile] third_monday fic is finally complete after total fail-getting on my part; not only is it late, it also had the misfortune to have been written in a state of *________* tired, where my words not only did their usual swapping-out-with-homonyms thing, but in fact got up and danced around and mocked my schedule for the next five days (NO DAY IS LESS THAN TWELVE HOURS LONG, WHY, WHY, WHY). [livejournal.com profile] charlie_d_blue, without you I'm nothing I'd have died. Those emails? Saved my life.

Then I went to this meme place thing and generated myself a haiku, and this is what I got:

Haiku2 for karanguni
once in a while
smiling and holding out that
hand gets you so much
Created by Grahame

And then I thought of all the awesome people around me, and the world, it righted itself. Or at least propped itself back a few degrees. ♥

*goes off to chill for 8 hours of sleep*
karanguni: (try your LUCK)
Today all I did was run around doing work. Now I'm doing storyboards. This? Sucks. Storyboards. Work. No pay. Macs for lunch. That's not lunch. That's dumpster diving, except that you're paying to dive. DDDDDDDDD:

IN OTHER NEWS, finally set up the thing-where-I-collect-non-fiction-bits-of-useless-knowledge, aka [livejournal.com profile] bromatheon! If you're bored and want to listen to me ramble, feel free to stalk me creepily! :D

\o\ Tsengfic coming later in the depths of this night.
karanguni: (DICK swings weird)
WORK. Think of the largest, toothiest, most evil monster that you can, then add warts and pimples and exploding sacs of pus and then multiply it by a factor of fifteen, and maybe you might approximate the hell that is WORK. 'nuff said.

LEGS. They ache, from not being able to run (weather) and walking too much (work) and sitting down too much (work) and walking the same damned area (work). LEGS.

TIRED. The feeling that one gets when one wants to write fic (so much fic) and yet cannot keep one's eyes open long enough to do so. TIRED.

TASTY. Hazelnut coffee. TASTY.

BEAUTIFUL. The Tseng sketch that appeared in my room. Insanely BEAUTIFUL.

BED. The place I long to be. BED.

FULL OF NOTHING. My Valentinr - karanguni -- the bizarre meme for Valentine's that's going around, is. I'll do yours if you do mine, wink wink nudge nudge. February is the SEASON FOR LOVE, because the holiday makes me want to alternately laugh and beat things up. The cards that are going on sale are *__________* FULL OF NOTHING.

BRAINS. Something that I do not have. BRAINS.

POST OFFICES. Something that I wish we had more of. POST OFFICES.

MONEY. Something I wish I had an unlimited supply of. MONEY.

DEATH. What beckons. DEATH.


OUTRAGEOUS. The sudden urge to rewind 24802984 years of my life, since the unbearable urge to write Tezuka/Fuji PRINCE OF TENNIS fic has suddenly exploded in my mind. OUTRAGEOUS.

DAUNTING. The prospect of finishing my last-ish [livejournal.com profile] rahmbamarama fic. It feels bigger than my head is right now. DAUNTING.

DIARRHOEA. What I have, verbally, at this point in my Sliding Scale of Squinty Fail. DIARRHOEA.
karanguni: (TSENG smiles)
I have the most brilliant idea/shadow of an idea/glint of a shadow of an idea for a Tseng fic, something that really has the potential to be exciting and Empery-worthy aaaaand I'm too tired to even contemplate writing it.


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A universe of unmapped grief and love
And new master light is beyond
The pleiades and plow and southern stars.

O soaring
Icarus of outworld, burn bright
The traceries of known skymarks,
Slide the highway planets behind
Your clear waxed wings.

Go conquer the everywhere left
Beyond your sad confinement
In a predicted bonehouse,
Witch thrown riddle of flesh
And water.

O soar until nothing
remains but great glittering holes
In the black godspun shirt over your head.

- John Fairfax